Silence surrounds me. Only the sounds of the howling wind and the click clack of my keyboard as I type fill my mind. For once, my mind is empty; ridden are the anxious thoughts that range from finding permanent work why am I back in this place and even wondering if a person could ever have too many books.
A common theme in my blog is metamorphosis. This blog began in 2009; a time when I was 22 and life was about tequila shots, dancing and smiling as much as I could. (And in that exact order!) The following year would change my life in many ways that you know, and believe me, you do.
It’s 2020 and I’m 33 now and finding myself in a place I’ve been before. The unfamiliar.
There is a lot of uncertainty and I am certain about that.
This realization began into just a few days into the new decade. Inspired by a Youtube Gamer blogger (Hi Kelsey, please be my friend?), I recorded a video to myself to watch 10 years from now. It was important for me to reflect on the past 10 years and offer 10 years from now “me” kind sentiments.
Looking at every year:
2010. 2011. 2012. 2013. 2014. 2015. 2016. 2017. 2018. 2019.
A lot of shit happened.
I went backpacking. I fell in love. I became a travel writer. I graduated University. My life fell apart. I moved to The Netherlands. My father died. I fell apart even more. I learned Dutch. I lost myself again and again and again. I did therapy. I did even more therapy. I got sick. I got sicker. I kept getting sick. I lost faith. I kept fighting. I didn’t give up. I graduated with a Master’s. I got engaged. I struggled. I cried. A LOT.
TLDR; a lot happened. Obviously.
The biggest realization that stood out was that my father wasn’t the only one who died. In a way, I did. A bit dramatic to say the least, but I was truly not living. I was not living for myself. Not living to nourish myself. Be kind to myself. Think of myself. I was living in grief, pain, depression, anxiety and doubts. And it paralyzed me in so many ways.
And when you realize that, there is only one thing to do: Live.
With 43 days into the new year and so much that has happened, I cannot imagine what the next few months will bring. This unfamiliar place is familiar to me. Except, this time I am not scared. Maybe I am. A little bit. It reminds me that I am human. I’m taking back my life in so many ways that it almost feels wrong. Wrong in the sense that I should have never lost myself in the first place.
It reminds me of how I view the world with beauty and wonder. How certain sounds or scents bring me back to memories that play like a record in my mind. How intuition brings me where I need to be even if it doesn’t feel right. It’s all part of the process. That even when I fall, it’s okay to get hurt because scars are beautiful. The butterfly effect is real and as much as I want to go back, this reality would not be the same.
Everything has led me to this point and here I am.
Embracing the past.
Experiencing the present.
Looking forward to the future.