It’s not a place I’d like to travel to. Imagine it as a layover that never ends. The only places to eat are not diet friendly, there is only one toilet and the white washed walls keep caving in. You’re running out of money, patience and itching to go beyond your limits. This is my personal hell in Limbo.
How did I get here?
Everyone has their bad days/weeks/months, but what happens when there is too much yang in your life? I won’t bore you with excessive details other than telling you that the past year has been utterly depressing. I’m not here asking for comfort or sympathy, but it’s the truth: I’m not the Teresa you know on this blog and I haven’t been for a while…
2013 started off with my first New Year’s abroad; cheering with my boyfriend in Rotterdam that we will spend every New Year’s together in the same time zone. (We just want to freaking live together.)
I gave myself January to make plans I wanted to:
1. Work as much as I could
None of those things happened. (Well #3 kind of did because I couldn’t cancel my trip)
By late February, my father was suffering from health complications and in early March, he was diagnosed with Locally Advanced Prostate Cancer.
I cannot begin to tell you how difficult it is to deal with complications of such a debilitating disease. I’ve had to deal with hospitals making mistakes and putting his life in jeopardy. Pretty much, I need to be his lawyer; by his side, talking to doctors, arranging appointments and doing anything and everything to make sure HE IS OKAY.
After countless hospital stays, he came back home in April only to break his hip after 2 weeks home.
It was the same sh*t again pretty much.
Taking care of another human being means throwing everything off your plate. How can I manage my blog when I’m at the hospital all night waiting to make sure my dad comes out okay after yet another surgery?
Not only this, but I’m still damaged from the fact that I couldn’t move to The Netherlands after devastating news last year.
But, it was also a sign that I was meant to be in NYC this year.
To make this long story short, I will be honest with my readers: I am suffering from Anxiety, Depression and PTSD. I haven’t been traveling, I haven’t been able to do what I need to do because my life has been dedicated to taking care of sh*t here at home.
I admit this only to let people know that I haven’t given up on my blog, I’m not a careless writer, I simply just have too much on my plate.
And I have no regrets.
When someone has cared for you since the day you were born, it is easy to give up your time to take care of that person. I make this promise to those I love; whether it be my father, my spouse or a dear friend.
Why I am still here?
My father is still in a Rehabilitation facility at the moment after suffering a C-Diff infection which deterred his treatment.
He cannot return home because we live in on the 4th floor of a walk-up brownstone.
My dad’s facility is very far from where I live so I just have enough time to get my work done, speak to my International lover and spend time with my dad helping him recuperate. A lot of the family is located in our native Puerto Rico, which means he depends a lot on myself and my mother.
In addition, I’m waiting to find out if I am able to move to The Netherlands this Autumn. (I’d rather not get into the private details.)
This puts me in a toxic limbo. And I admit, I haven’t been kind to myself. I stress out all of the time, I don’t give myself enough *me* time and I try to be the superwoman I know I am not.
Where am I going?
I’m not sure. I want to make sure my parents are okay before I make this big move. They have always been my biggest supporters of my crazy endeavors; especially when I backpacked in South America. If I can move to The Netherlands, I may be limited as to when I can move due to visa complications, if I can’t move, it will be another year of limbo…
To be honest, I’m still a toxic mess.
The body and mind can only endure so much. It feels like just yesterday all of this manifested and I can’t believe it has been more than half a year. I spend a lot of my days trying to get back to some kind of normal, but I feel paralyzed in sadness and fear. I’m also on a weight loss journey that is going to be discussed in another post. Slowly, but surely, I want to get better. I want my father to get better. I want to start traveling again to continue to motivate Americans to do what I’m doing, in any way possible.
Things may get increasingly difficult and the road may be ever so beaten, but I will continue to move forward, even when I am constantly thrown backwards.
What you can do as a reader
Anything you want. I will admit- I have no time to read my fellow traveler’s blogs. (I’m sorry! I promise I will try and do so more often.) I am scared to look at travel deals because I am so tempted to pack a bag and go.
I am always up for a tea with friends in NYC if you’re around. Or just say *hi* via the interwebs; I promise I won’t bite.